12StepSteve's Journey

Still Alive and in One Piece

2006-05-19T21:50:00.000-05:00

Sorry for the long time since my last post. Life has been busy with work and personal issues, and I've been more in the mood to isolate than anything else.Go-live on my Victoria project took place on May 1st. Things are going well and we are continuing to bring the users further into the system. I'm doing a lot of one-on-one coaching of the users, adding data, and working on documentation. My time here ends on June 2.

I had mentioned a nuclear stress test in an earlier post. This took place, and produced an abnormal result. I had a cardiac catheterization on April 28, which revealed that I have no blockages, just some peculiararities on my EKG. I was grateful to learn this, and now I am also grateful because the soreness has finally passed. The anticipation was worse than the reality, although I did look the other way after watching the nurse unwrap the catheter - it's a long way from the groin to the heart!

I had thought that this would be the most difficult part of the weekend, but it was actually just the beginning of a chain of emotionally difficult events.That following Sunday evening I was riding in my sponsors car Sunday night. He had taken me to leave my car at a body shop, and we were involved in an accident on the SW Freeway. A car had stalled in front of us. My sponsor managed to not hit the car in front of us badly - at first. Then we were rear-ended by a small station wagon that went up under us, and then clipped sideways by another car. All in all the incident involved five cars that we know of. Two of them left before the police arrived. Fortunately nobody in the remaining cars was seriously injured, and there were no fatalities. It really shook me up, being so soon after the catheterization, and with a trip coming up the next morning. My sponsor took the entire thing in stride, which is an example of what 23 years of serenity can do for a person. I must say, I felt truly powerless as I sat in that car and realized that we were about to hit the one in front of us.

I woke up the next morning and felt OK, and decided to go ahead on my trip to Victoria. Everything seemed to be going smoothly. The car service that I use to get to the airport was a few minutes early and the airport was not especially busy. The flights went smoothly. I was driving away from the Victoria, BC airport when my phone rang.

The caller was a very close friend of minewho was taken very seriously ill on Monday, and required emergency surgery. I was absolutely horrified that he was so ill and had to have surgery. What I wanted to do was turn the car around, go back to the airport, and go home to be there to support him. This was not an option that I could take without compromising go-live for my client. All I could do was tell him that I loved him, and wish him the best. A couple of other men in the program stepped up to the plate and helped him in ways that I would have, such as caring for his dogs, staying with him in the hospital until the situation stabilized, and providing emotional support. With my sponsor's approval I did help in one way that I was able to. I offered him the use of my home when he got out of the hospital. He lives in a second story condo and I have a house with no stairs and a big fenced back yard. He accepted my offer, and will be here as long as he wants to be. Coming home a few days ago felt very good, and it has been good to share time and space with him. He will be OK in time, but getting completely well will take time. I'm grateful that he is OK and that I have been able to be of service to him in this way. It's really a pleasure to have him and his dogs here.

On a happier note, my friend Michael O, who is a landscaper, installed my new front yard shrubbery beds while I was away. That was quite a treat to come home to. Another friend who is a horticulturist had designed it for me, and I was looking forward to seeing it realized. Michael shopped around and got high quality plants and did a first-rate installation. For those in Houston who know him, I'm pleased to give a good referral. I also have designs for the back yard, and I will probably ask him to do those next year.

My contract inVictoria ends on June 2. I already have two strong possibilities for follow-on contract. One would be based here in Houston for six months, and I have a face-to-face interview for it on Monday morning. The second one would involve spending some time in Chicago, some outside of Toronto, and doing some of the work from my home. I had a phone interview for this a week ago today. The follow-on information that I got was that the hiring manager told the head-hunter not to send any more resumes, and that they would be bringing me on provided he gets final approval for the funding. I don't think that I will be idle for long once I finish up in Victoria. The bigger problem might be finding time to take some vacation!

Today I am Grateful For:
**St. Luke's Episcopal Hospital in Houston.
**That other people in the program were here to do the things for Martin that I could not do.
**My sponsor.
**My client.
**The two potential clients who are considering hiring me.
**For being able to turn over my fears over the past few weeks, with the help of prayer and the guidance of others in the program.
**For six nights in a row in my own bed.
**For the noon meeting today, and going for hamburgers afterwards with people I had not seen in over a month.

Back By Popular Demand

2006-04-04T23:17:00.000-05:00

It's been awhile since I have posted. Life has been busy, and frankly, I just wasn't in the mood to write.

Also, there would have been nights where my writing would have felt more like whining. Old friends from here may recall that I vowed to give up "Driving the BMW," or bitching, moaning, and whining, for Lent. I've managed to mostly stick to that vow, and I've discovered that it has actually made life easier in some ways. It hss also forced me to try to be more disciplined in how I communicate, so that I express myself and don't isolate - too much.

This last trip home was busy, but not overwhelmingly so like the trip before it. One of the things I had to do was have a nuclear stress test. I got those results today, and initially was quite upset by them. Then, the doctor's office called back again and the nurse and I talked at greater length, and I calmed down a lot. Bottom line is that there was a "moderately abnormal" result, but there is some chance that it might turn out not to be something serious. Apparently this result can mean that my heart just doesn't beat like everybody else's, but it is just something that has to be watched and not necessarily treated. This is the outcome that I am hoping for. It could also mean that I have other problems that do require treatment. This would not be a surprise, because I had been having more trouble being short of breath the last few months. This is something that a cardiologist will have to determine for me.

So, tomorrow I am to make an appointment with a cardiologist, and we will take things from there. I am powerless over what this doctor may or may not find. The only thing I have power over is doing whatever the next right thing might be, and hoping for a good outcome.

That being said, it is hard not to be worried.

The trip home was nice, but as usual, too short. It was good to see friends and attend meetings at Lambda. It was also nice to get out of the muggy Houston weather and back to the cooler marine air of Victoria.

Our search committee at St. Stephens also announced the name of our new rector. She is moving with her husband and children from Nashville, and from her biography, it sounds like she will be a good fit. That will mark the end of a two-year transition at our parish.

** For good medical care and to live in a city where so many healthcare options are available.
** For all the people at Lambda and St. Stephens who gave me hugs this weekend.
** For being able to be of service to a friend who was feeling a bit crazy on Friday.
** That Mankind Project Houston has scheduled a "weekend intensive" I-Group for May.
** That my friends who had a difficult weekend both in Houston and away made it through the weekend clean.
** That T. made it back to pick up a Desire Chip on Sunday. Seeing you was a reminder that it just doesn't get better out there. I am glad you are back and you are in my prayers.
** That the trip home and then back to Victoria was uneventful.
** For good spiritual advice on having my house blessed.

A Night at the Opera

2006-03-19T00:04:00.000-06:00

I am a true opera lover, almost to the point of being mushy about it. However, never did I imagine that I would "hear what I need to hear" during a night at the opera right here in Houston, Texas.

For those of you who are not opera buffs or who don't know much about Houston, there are four important opera companies in the United States. New York is by far the most important. Chicago, San Francisco, and Houston are tied for second place, but each has unique qualities that make it important in its own right. Houston is unique in that it has commissioned more new works since World War II than the other three combined. Add to that the fact that Rice University and University of Houston offer doctorates in music and have opera programs of their own, and Houston becomes an important opera town. Many European singers seek us out as a place to make their U.S. debuts.

Currently Houston is running a double world premeir - of a new work commissioned by Houston Grand Opera (HGO), and the debut of the extremely talented and accomplished American soprano Audra MacDonald to the operatic stage. I hope that Ms. MacDonald will return to the operatic stage, because the opera world would be a better place for it. But more on the operas.

This was an unusual night, because Ms. MacDonald performed in two short operas, each about 50 minutes long. And in each, she is the only singer. In other words, a double one-woman show!

The first is about a modern businesswoman who has placed an online ad. She has exchanged some emails with a man she finds interesting and would like to meet. She has sent him her phone number, and is waiting for him to call.

The wrinkle is that she has called in sick in case he calls. She is also drinking at one in the afternoon, and smokes a little dope, too. And she spins and spins and spins in her own head, and before she is done spinning, they are in love, married, moved to the country, and have three children - and then the marriage is on the rocks and breaking up. And guess what - she hasn't even talked to the guy yet.

The author of that libretto must have been spying on me! I have gotten caught up in similar things in my past, gotten the spin cycle in my head going, and created my own little world, without the consent or cooperation of the other man. And then when things didn't work out or never even got started, grieved not for what I had lost, but for what I had hoped would be. And I was isolated with a blinking cursor, instead of actually engaged in life where I might have met somebody with whom I could have formed a friendship and possibly dated. Tonight was not the first night that I shed tears during an operatic performance, but it is the first time that I have done so and realized that I weeping because of some past pains in my own life.

There are a few performances left, so if you live here, I strongly recommend seeing this. The messages in this evening for my recovery were unbelievably powerful.

Tonight I am grateful for:
** An opportunity for a six-month contracting engagement that would take me to Africa. Sadly, I will have to turn this down because of my HIV status. More on that later, but it means a great deal to me that this former client tracked me down and asked.
** My friend Brandon, my companion for this evening. He is also a trained opera singer, and his insights and anecdotes about the opera world made the evening even more special.
** For a wonderful email from my friend Martin.
** That my taxes are finally ready to be handed to the accountant.
** That I will do my second 5th Step in the morning.
** Seeing friends at Lambda after the opera.
** For believing in my heart that my higher power loves me in spite of my defects.

Just Checking In

2006-03-14T22:33:00.000-06:00

This is a brief posting. Nothing terribly dramatic to report, and today, that is a good thing.

The past few days have been pleasant. The storms from the sky and the storms in my head had ended by Saturday. It's amazing, but writing about my fears regarding my 5th Step seem to have taken a lot of the power away. It wasn't as good as sharing in a meeting, but it came in a close second.

I continue to work out with Harley, and am doing cardio in the mornings the other four days. Harley seems to think that my breathing is already improving, and I think I see some signs of my body starting to firm up a bit. I've noticed that my energy levels have already improved, and I don't get drowsy at my desk so easily. I didn't think that changes would come this rapidly, so it has been a pleasant surprise.

I'm also on a firm schedule of five meetings a week that I like. That seems to be enough. Between evenings in the gym and meetings my evenings stay pretty well occupied, and I don't have much of a chance to get lonely.

Tonight I am grateful for:
** Feelings of calm and serenity.
** Feeling connected with my Higher Power.
** That the project continues to go well.
** For finding five good meetings in less than three weeks.
** That I am starting to know some of the people at these meetings.
** That I am coming home Thursday evening.
** That my 5th Step will be this coming Sunday.
** A lack of drama in my life.

The Storm Subsides - A Bit

2006-03-10T23:49:00.000-06:00

Yes, the storm quieted today, but the waters are still sort of choppy with some pretty good whitecaps.

The harbor looks a bit rough, too. :-)

There more more strange dreams last night. I awoke the first time screaming - which is quite an accomplishment with a CPAP machine running. I literally had dreamed that someone or something was in the room trying to kill me. Fortunately the police didn't come, so nobody must have heard me.

Then there were more strange things - people and places from different times of my life, woven into a single place and time like a tapestry. Some of it was good, some was frightening. When I awoke, I realized what this is about - my upcoming 5th Step.

My 5th Step is scheduled for Sunday, March 19th, when I am in Houston. This will be my second time to do it. I really had a difficult time with this 4th Step. The number of people on it was considerably shorter - I realize that this is because I already had let go of a lot more junk. Another thing that was different is that I put myself on it in a big way. The other people who were still on it are people who are now or who have been important in my life.

I could never write for more than 10-15 minutes at a time on this 4th step, without an overwhelming feeling of sadness coming over me. I would work as long as I could, and then put it away. Weeks went by when I simply could not bring myself to do it at all. Finally, I was down to just a few people with very short lists of resentments. I finished it on the airplane home last Thursday, and then scheduled the 5th Step with my sponsor. My heart feels heavy now, even just writing about it. What I have learned in the program that this feeling of sadness means that I need to talk about it, to take some of the power out of my fear of doing the 5th Step Again.

I got no sense of relief whatsoever when I did my first 5th Step. If anything, it left me feeling dirty, inferior, worthless, and not worthy of anybody's love, much less a Higher Power's. It was nothing at all like the rosy scenario in the big book, with a fire crackling in the fire place and a chorus of angels singing on the roof top. If anything, the committee just got busy chattering and chattering and chattering. A week later I relapsed, and very painfully. My sponsor and I really never got back to doing stepwork in a consistent or meaningful way, and I more or less ran on automatic for the next year.

So now the time for another 5th Step is approaching, and my disease, which is cunning, baffling, and powerful is doing its best to take me down. How cunning it is, too. First I had a period of two very delightful weeks - and then suddenly my mood shifted over something trivial and I've not been quite right since. Thankfully the program has taught me to be alert for such things, and I've also learned to talk about it when it happens and to ask for help. What a miraculous thing that is.

Tonight I am grateful for:
** That the meeting that had been recommended by others was a good meeting, like they said it would be.
** That I am now starting to recognize faces and know people when I go to meetings, and that they know me, too.
** For a recommendation for a Saturday night meeting. This will bring the list meetings that I attend in Victoria to 5.
** That I will go to bed tonight clean, and with God's help I'll do it again tomorrow.

Today the Storm is in My Head

2006-03-09T23:31:00.000-06:00

Sometimes it puzzles me how things can be going so well - and then for no apparent reason, they suddenly aren't.

I had a restless night last night. There were strange dreams that I don't entirely remember, but I don't think they were using dreams. I finally gave up and got up a little after five and went down to the health club in the hotel basement at six. I did my cardio, showered, dressed, went back down for breakfast, and then came back up to get my coat, computer bag, and car keys, and that is when the day started to feel like it was going to hell.

The car keys were nowhere to be found. It just didn't make sense. I came in from the AA meeting last night, came up to my room, and didn't leave again. I searched the room carefully - twice. I even checked the garbage and my laundry bag, under the beds, and even stripped the bed looking for it. I checked the health club, both elevators, and retraced my steps to the car. Nothing. I could feel my mood going south and I tried to convince myself that it was just a car key and could be replaced - but somehow it didn't help. The committee was chattering like a cage full of demons in my head, and nothing would silence it.

To make a long story short, Hertz found an extra key and a driver delivered it to me at work. When I got back to the hotel, there was the key I had lost in the middle of my neatly made bed. The maid must have found it, or perhaps it was turned in and the front desk sent it up. But there it was. I was relieved, because it is one of those plastic keys with the chip in it, and it was going to cost $250 Canadian to replace it. But I was not pleased at the effect that this event had on my state of mind.

Work just didn't feel right today. My skin didn't seem to fit right. And my brain certainly wasn't working right. I got about a third of what I would normally do accomplished.

Furthermore, all of the meetings tonight were either at the club that I found so depressing, or on parts of the island that I dont know yet. The weather had actually gotten worse, so I didn't want to go explore.

Nobody returned calls from Houston. I used three of the names from the Victoria phone list. I tried to reach my cousin in the SF Bay Area and my friend from the second grade and got voice mail. My ex in SF was out of pocket, but his partner of 18 years and I had a nice but brief chat. He was recovering from some minor surgery and really was kind to take the time to chat for a few minutes.

The L in my HALT was feeling very neglected at this point in time.

Thankfully the idea of drinking or using is very unappealing right now, even though several othe guests in the hotel were having wine with their dinner.

This is one of those days that my first sponsor told me about. Mark D., my first sponsor, told me something after one of my early relapses that really stuck with me. It went something to the effect that I had to find a God who would help me stay sober. In other words, I had to find a faith that worked. (Gee, didn't I see that in the Big Book?)

So, tonight is a good night to try to keep things in perspective. Once in awhile I'm going to have a night when I don't sleep well or have disturbing dreams. There will be days when things happen that leave me feeling like a complete idiot, and some of them may cost a fair amount of money that I would rather have for something else. There will be days when the weather sucks - again. There will be days when i just can't get my brain into gear to to good quality work. And sometimes, all of these things will happen in the same day. It's calle Life on Life's terms.

One of the gifts of the program is that I now know that everybody has bad days, and when they happen to me, it isn't because I'm a bad person. It also may be brought on by events that aren't even about me. I also know that they will pass if I don't do anything to make it worse, like pick up a drink or drug, mistreat other people, engage in illegal or unethical behavior. And thank goodness I gave up "Driving the BMW for Lent." I managed not to Whine, Bitch, or Moan all day. I was honest that I was unhappy and having a difficult time, but I stuck to the facts and asked for help where it was appropriate. And unlike in the past, the people around me were supportive and didn't find excuses to get away from me. I was even able to be of service to others over the course of the day, and was that ever a blessing.

And as for tonight, when it seemed that absolutely nobody was available by phone at a decent hour to call, I remembered Mark D.'s advice. I told God that I was in difficulty and asked for help in getting through the rest of the day. I also thought about all of the things that I have to be grateful for in my relatively privilege life, and reminded myself that the days difficulties were all minor in the grand scheme of things, and that none of them were life threatening.

Today I am grateful for many things too numerous to list. Here are a few of them.
** That I'm not one of the homeless people in this town who will sleep outside tonight in this cold nasty weather.
** For the maintenance manager at my last project in Silicon Valley, to whom I was able to be of service today.
** That I got a notice of an "Elders Meeting" at the Mankind Project Houston's new lodge Sunday after this one. It will be a Warrior event on a day that I will be able to attend. :-) :-)
** For the person who found my rental car key, and anybody else who might have been instrumental in getting it back to me.
** For the people in Victoria who gave me their phone numbers. I have a hunch that they will call back tonight or sometime tomorrow.
** That I will probably get to see some of those people at a meeting tomorrow night.
** That my former housemate Bill seems to be doing well.
** For the rest of you who blog on this site. I don't always comment, but I do enjoy seeing what you right.
** For the fact that I have no desire to drink or drug, despite the difficulties of the day. That would not have been my reaction two years ago.
** For Mark D. for telling me to find a faith that worked - and that this finally seems to have happened.

A Dark and Stormy Night

2006-03-09T00:16:00.000-06:00

Hello from Victoria. As some of you know, I've been home to Houston and now I'm back up here again.

It is a very dark and very stormy night. So dark and so stormy that I consider not going to a meeting tonight. I am thankful that the thought was a fleeting one. This meeting is one of the two that was recommended to me last week, and it was well worth the trouble to get there. I will definately be going to it again next Wednesday. Another meeting takes place there this Friday, and I plan to go to it, too.

The topic tonight was the 7th Tradition, and the difficulty that we alcoholic/addicts have for asking for truly meaningful help.

Well, I realized that this was a big topic in my last post. As an addict, I know that I have to ask for God's help on a daily basis, so that I get another 24-hour reprieve. If I keep my Higher Power (who I call God) at the center of my life, things generally go well. And even if they don't, my mind doesn't go too far out of kilter because of it. But let me start taking the credit or start to try to make the rules, then watch out. My mind will start going places it ought not go, and troubles, big or small, will begin to weigh on me. And when that happens the resentments appear, and then it all goes out of control.

Tonight I am grateful to be in a place of gratitude. A few of the things I am grateful for include:
** a great meeting tonight.
** seeing some of the people that I met last week and enjoyed.
** being able to share some experience, strength, and hope with a man who was coming back after a relapse.
** realizing that my words to the man who was coming back were not mine alone, but were inspired by the relationship that I have with my God today.
** for this season of Lent, and the fact that I have so far stuck with my resolve not to "Drive the BMW" until Palm Sunday at the earliest. "Not Driving the BMW" means that I am not allowed to Bitch, Moan or Whine about anything!! :-) I saw this in a Candadian newspaper last week, and realized that it would be a perfect Lenten discipline for me!!
** that the Ash Wednesday words spoken by the priest, as he imposed an ashen cross on my foreheard were, "From dust you came and to dust you shall return." I remember this several times each day, and it helps me to feel humble, centered, and at peace.

Ash Wednesday

2006-03-01T23:51:00.000-06:00

Tonight find me in a place of peace and contentment.

The project continues to go well. The client asked me to commit to one extra ten-day hitch in Victoria, which will have me up here until May 25. Harley and I had our first work-out today, and that went well. I go home on Thursday and get to spend four nights in my own bed.

All of these things are good, but my mind and soul are thoroughly rooted in the fact that today is Ash Wednesday.

Ash Wednesday is a very important day to me as a Christian, and also as a person in recovery. It is tightly interwined with the story of how I got to recovery. I no longer remember my first sobriety date, but I will always view Ash Wednesday as the anniversary of my entry to the program. Here is the reason why.

First, we have to play the tape back to July of 2003. My best friend of more than a dozen years had just died of AIDS related heart and lung problems. He had been slowly deteriorating for about five years, and the last seven months of his life were brutal. I was one of a group of people who cared for him in those last months. This responsibility extended to the point that I was one of two people who prepared medication which was directly metered into his heart by a pump. In one sense it was a relief when he died, because his suffering was over. But he had been my closest friend, one to whom I could confide anything and not fear losing his love. There had been nobody in my life before him with whom I could do this, and I have never found anybody that I trust to that depth since. In retrospect, I had made him into a Higher Power.

In the last months of his life he begged me to stop using crystal. He had suggested AA, residential treatment, and expressed concern over and over. I tried to tell myself that I would honor my memory of him by stopping. But this was not something that I was doing for my own good, and so I failed.

I then said that Labor Day would be the last time. Then it was this time, and that time. I would give it up for the New Year of 2004. That failed. Finally, Ash Wednesday 2004 rolled around. I would give it up for good for Lent. I went and got my Ashes and promised God that I would do it. But I did not ask for God's help, and I failed. Three days later I was high again.

But this time I met my match. That Saturday night I found myself in a room at the new hotel downtown by the convention center with three other men. Two were from Dallas, and one was a play buddy who lives in Houston. One of the two provided the drugs. It was one of the two times that the dose was so strong that I could barely walk straight after shooting up. Then he shot up and lost all interest in having sex with me. And then he and his partner got into a fight and threw both of us Houston guys out. These two guys were not people I would have wanted to have sex with, much less be seen with, if I were not using. But they had drugs and so there I was. The degradation of my habit had brought me to that point.

So there I was on the street - high as a kite, miserable, scared - and horny. I no longer remember where the rest of the morning went, or where I went. What I do recall is this - that I knew that I had to find a way to stop. I had been having premonitions of my own early death since Lou had died the previous summer. The premonitions had become stronger, and in my heart I believed that I would not live to that Summer if I didn't stop, and quickly.

Another buddy that I had used with had gone back in the program after being out for several years. He had stopped seeing me, because people in the program have to changes People, Places, and Things. But he had sent me short email notes when he got a 30 day chip, 60, and so forth. At his point in time he was closing in on six months. In some ways his situation and reaction to the drugs had always seemed more desperate than mine, and his urges to use more pronounced. These were my perceptions. But it also suggested to me that if the program worked for him, there was a very good chance it would work for me, too.

So I called this friend on Sunday morning. We had lunch on Sunday afternoon. I told him that I kept using even when I really didn't want to, and he said the words, "Steve, you are a drug addict." Those words went through my heart like a knife. But I knew that it was true, and it was a relief to hear these words and to admit to myself that it was true.

That Tuesday he took me to my first meeting at Lambda. Later that week I picked up my first desire chip, and I've been around ever since.

The road has not been a linear one for me. That first desire chip was not my only one. I relapsed twice at two weeks, and then got thirty days before relapsing again. Then I got 90 days. Then I made it to five months and then to nine months. Right now I've got seven. I expect to go to bed clean and sober tonight, and with God's help I'll do it again tomorrow.

My life is much different now than it was two years ago. I no longer have premonitions of impending death. My relationships with people have improved, and my consulting career has taken off like a rocket. I wake up in the morning, instead of staying up all night. And I actually have not touched alcohol since my first relapse - it was sex and drugs that took me out the other times.

I have to remind myself frequently that it is progress not perfection. If I work the steps, keep doing the next right thing in all areas of my life, and cut the rest of the world some slack, I might just make it to a year this time. But, tonight I am grateful for many things. Some of them are:

1. That all of the relapses were very brief, and that I caused nobody any physical harm.
2. That I never ran afoul of the law during my using.
3. For all of the people who gave me encouragement and love, on the days that I wasn't able to love myself. Those days are still more frequent than many of you might imagine.
4. For the fact that I have been able to be of service to others in the program, especially newcomers.
5. For a moving sermon at the Ash Wednesday Service this evening at Christ Church Cathedral, Victoria.
6. For my new trainer here in Victoria. Harley has already said one thing that I believe will stick with me forever. It is, "honor your body." He said that in reference to exercise, nutrition, stretching, rest, etc. But I realize that honoring this body, which is a gift from God, must also be part of my recovery. I must take care of it, so that I will be able to do whatever work God gives me to do.

That's it for now. Take care.

A Very Good Monday to You, Too

2006-02-28T00:10:00.000-06:00

Today was an absolutely wonderful day that has left me feeling uplifted and full of gratitude.

My project is progressing nicely. The maintenance manager is progressing rapidly in his understanding of the system and what it can do for his operation. He also arose to the challenge of entering new master data into one of the test systems. This is something that I had done for him up to this point. But today he expressed interest in doing it himself, so I talked him through it for about 15 minutes, and then retreated to my desk. He popped in occasionally with questions, all good ones. Now that he has taken ownership of this part of the project, I can begin making preparations in other areas - a bit ahead of schedule!

I also met with my new trainer this evening. His name is Harly and he is certified by a couple of Canadian agencies. Besides weight training and cardio he is also very much into flexibility and yoga. My objective is to resume a fitness regimen under his tutelage. This way I can ease back into it safely, without injuries but challenged when appropriate. Also, if I have an appointment with him, I'll show up. It seems like a good way to get back into a habit that went by the wayside when I started recovery. My main goals are to improve my health by losing some bodyfat and increasing my cardio-vascular fitness. Of course a reduced waistline and regaining some of the physique I had before I got clean won't hurt the old self-esteem, either.

I also went to "the" Gay/Lesbian AA meeting tonight. It was a small group, in the basement of a Ukranian Catholic Church. About a dozen people were present. It was a good meeting, with the topics being honesty and belief in a higher power. I felt very safe there, and was able to be honest about a topic about which I have been fearful lately. The counsel I got from some of the members of the group was unanimous: put my own sobriety first, even if it means not hanging out with a friend whose behavior could be toxic to me at this point in time.

After the meeting one of the women asked me if I had any local phone numbers. I replied that I didn't. Well now I have several. They also mentioned a men's retreat on an island near here the next weekend that I stay over. I think I'll have to look into that.

My hopes for the next several weeks is that this can be a period of growth. During business hours I will be devoted to my client's growth. During the evening hours I can focus on improving my health and working a strong program. That won't leave time for much of anything else, and for now, that is a good thing.

Tonight I am grateful for:
-- A client who is teachable and willing to take risks and learn.
-- For my new trainer, who will help me back into some positive exercise habits that I had while using but lost in early sobriety.
-- For finding a great AA group for the second night in a row.
-- For all of the people in that group who made me feel at home and made up a phone list for me. That really helped me to start feeling that I'm "a part of" their group.
-- For the knowledge that it is ok to put my own sobriety ahead of the wants or needs of others.
-- For caring enough about myself to put my own sobriety ahead of the feelings of a friend - could this mean that I'm starting to love myself, even just a little bit?
-- For the group of friends from St. Stephens who have included me in their Friday Lenten supper program, on the Fridays that I will be home.

Peaceful Sunday Night

2006-02-26T23:53:00.000-06:00

It's Sunday night in rainy, chilly Victoria. Even the locals are complaining, so I know that it isn't just me.

Today had its rough patches. I awoke feeling irritable and out of sorts. I had a leisurely breakfast, read the paper, and then headed out. The first stop: a laundromat that also offers "Wash and Fluff" service, which is Canadian for what we call "Wash and Fold." Then on to the 11 AM Service at Christ Church Cathedral.

The service was sort of what I expected. It is much "higher church" than what one would normally see in Texas, and more like what I grew up with. Since every "Province" in the Worldwide Anglican Communion writes its own Prayer Book and Hymnal, there was some unfamiliarity and some things that were worded differently. But the form of the service was the same and I had no trouble following along.

I also got a reminder of why Anglicans/Episcopalians often have the reputation for being a bit aloof and stand offish. There were some uncomfortable moments at coffee afterwards until a lady struck up a conversation and then introduced me to some other people. It is a reminder that I must make more of an effort to greet people that I don't recognize when I am at home at St. Stephens. Fortunately, I also had a hunch that the locals see a lot of tourists come and go, and could be reluctant to get involved with them. This perspective helped me understand that being ignored was not about me at all, and prevented me from forming a resentment about it.

The sermon was wonderful, and had a lot of validity for recovery. The priest made two three key points: (1) We should not ask Christ (or our higher power) to do anything for us that we are capable of doing for ourselves - or, in other words, ask for help over those things over which we are powerless; (2) Charity (or any assistance given to others) must be given without the expecation of any reward or gain, or it is not charity but a self-seeking activity; and (3) Anything that we allow to become a driving force in our lives (career, fame, wealth) has the danger of becoming our higher power. These were lessons that this alcoholic/addict needs to hear over and over and over.....

I did finally find a good meeting tonight. About 20 people attended, and the focus was very much on the solution. I got to chat with some of the other people present, and they suggested other meetings that they thought I would enjoy. So now I know where to go and have a toe-hold of sorts in the recovery community here. The irritability that I was feeling had only grown worse during the day, but I got a good dose of my medicine this evening and now feel calm again.

Today I am grateful for:
1. Hearing from friends from home and hearing all about the Mardi Gras Party.
2. That I was able to be of service to a friend who went on HIV meds on Friday and who is having trouble with them.
3. For a wonderful sermon this morning.
4. For a great meeting this evening.
5. For the people that I got to visit with after the meeting, including a newcomer that I spent some time with.
6. For the perspective that I must look for a lesson when difficulty crosses my path, instead of wondering why the difficulty is being "Done" to me.

A Cold and Quiet Saturday

2006-02-25T12:56:00.000-06:00

Greetings from Victoria - BC, not Texas! :-)

The weekend got off to a quiet start. I did some shopping yesterday after work, and then met some new friends for dinner. I was back at the hotel by 9 PM and in bed by 9:30, and slept until 9 AM this morning.

My sinuses are still bothering me, as they have been for the past few weeks, and my energy levels are low. I see my doctor this coming Friday for my three-month checkup. Previous to starting recovery I took allergy shots for four years, but stopped this and threw everything away so that I would not have syringes in the house. My allergy symptoms have grown slowly worse for the last two years, and it is time to re-think that decision. I've been told that my oral medications are as "good as it gets," but with severe allergies and asthma, more aggressive approaches are necessary. Thankfully I have a doctor who understands that I am in recovery and who can steer me in the right direction.

I do still have times when I would like to use, but I get nauseated at the thought of ever injecting drugs again. This aversion started about a year ago, when I had a dream in which I injected. I awoke from it terrified, drenched in sweat, and I very nearly vomited on the spot. That event pretty much replaced the reaction of "euophoric recall" with one of getting queasy when ever I think about shooting up. And those thoughts seldom cross my mind anymore. So perhaps this part of my obsession has been lifted.

And guess what - I now feel better just having written about my concerns on this topic.

On a happier note, I found two destinations of importance to me yesterday. Those are: The YMCA, which I am told has an excellent gym, and the Anglican Cathedral. It turns out that they are across the street from each other! I haven't been inside the Y as of yet, but I did tour the Cathedral. It is quite an impressive structure built of stone, with three chapels and three pipe organs, and some beautfiful stained glass. I will attend the 11 AM service there on Sunday, and go for Ashes at 7:00 PM on Wednesday. They are both close to the hotel, which is a nice thing for me.

Breakfast this morning was slow and leisurely, and of course, much later than usual. I was looking out the dining room windows and daydreaming, when suddenly a large boat appeared and tooted its horn. It turns out that the Fairy, err, Ferry had arrived. I'm looking forward to taking a Ferry trip once the weather improves - and once I have my camera with me.

That's it for this morning.

This morning I am grateful for:
--No commitments on my time the entire day!
--The ability to be truthful about my struggles in recovery without feeling shame.
--For a trusted and caring doctor who will help me find the right answers to my allergy problems.
--For the other people who blog on this site. The lessons you share from your own lives are good lessons for me in how the principles of the program really do work.
--For the tourist shops near the hotel, which I am about to go explore.

A Dark and Chilly Night

2006-02-24T00:01:00.000-06:00

Greetings from chilly, wet, and at times, snowy Victoria.

Yes, snowing, but only for a few moments here and there. It hasn't stuck to the ground, yet. The locals had told me that they will get dustings from time to time, and this is one of those times. They also say that it is unusually cold for this time of year.

The pace on the project has picked up considerably. Most projects start slow and then pick up speed. I only stayed a couple of hours on Monday, twiddled my thumbs a bit on Tuesday, put in an honest day's work Wednesday, and worked hard today. Wolfgang, the maintenance manager, has really thrown himself into the project. He is also familiar with "best practices" in maintenance and had already put many of them into effect. Our project will allow him to continue these with greater ease and take them even further. He is really a pleasure to work with. Things are beginning to take shape.

I did go to a meeting last night. It was at the same club at which I attended a Tuesday night meeting on my short trip in January. Once again it was lightly attended and depressing. I heard more problem than solution, and this was from people with many years in the program. I am going to continue to search for other meetings. I doubt that I will return to that club again.

Tonight I stayed in. I actually slept for awhile after dinner. I'm going to work on my 4th Step after logging off here. I am determined to have it done by the time I return next Thursday.

Today I am grateful for many things, including:
1. A good project team at work.
2. A warm quiet comfortable hotel.
3. Friends at home who call to talk and who also take my calls.
4. For the internet and email.
5. For my friend Mike S, who will get his one-year chip this Saturday at Lambda. I wish I could be there buddy.
6. For a sense of adventure that makes this assignment more fun.
7. For calmness in sobriety - or is that called serenity?

New Project, New City, New Country

2006-02-21T23:52:00.000-06:00

Well, my time in Canada has begun. I arrived in Victoria, BC yesterday afternoon. I went directly from the office to the airport. The client was all set for me. Within a few minutes they had given me an access card to the plant and shown me my new office. Then, the maintenance manager (who is German) pointed out that it was a long trip and suggested that I go to the hotel for the rest of the afternoon.

This is my 9th year in the consulting business - and the first time that I have stayed in a 5-star hotel at a client's expense. I am living at the Hotel Grand Pacific in Victoria. It is a very nice place. Parliament is on the next block, and the Royal BC Museum in the block after that. Madame Toussaud's has a branch of her wax museum directly across the street. Scores of good restaurants are within a 15 minute walk.

Canada is our only English-speaking neighbor, but in some ways it is more British in flavor than it is American. I suspect this is because their independance from Britian only occured in the 1960's and was a peaceful one, not one born out of revolution. In Canada one does not go downtown, one goes to the city centre. One is not treated by a physical therapist, one is treatest by a physiotherapist. Canadians don't park their cars in parking garages, they park them in parkades. There are no one dollar bills - the one dollar coin is The Looney (it has a loon on the back) and the two dollar coin is the Toonie and money has the image of the Queen on it. People in general are much more courteous and one does not use one's horn in traffic unless it is a dire emergency rather than an annoyance {M.S. take note of this fact! :-) } Newspapers also do not contain spelling, word mis-usage, and grammar errors in every section - I wish the Houston Chronicle would take note of this! They don't have mail men, they have "Posties" and the Canadian Postal Service is one of the few things in Canada that works worse than its counterpart in the U.S.

I've always gotten along well here, as I have in every country outside of the U.S. that I have every worked in. My secret to this success is a simple one. I never ever forget that I am the foreigner, and that I am in a visitor in my host country. I also take an interest in the local news and politics and ask lots of questions about the host country, its politics and way of life of co-workers and new acquaintenances alike. Most people enjoy explaining their native land to visitors, and it is a great ice-breaker when you are the foreigner.

I tried to find a meeting tonight night - "The Gay/Lesbian" meeting in Victoria. I found the Ukranian Catholic Church at which it is held without problem. But alas, nobody was there at 8:00 PM. So I called the local 24-hour line. The lady who answered looked the meeting up and said that it had just been changed to Monday night. She then suggested an 8:15 meeting nearby, but I could not find the place. So I decided to come back to the hotel and work on my 5th Step and to write in my blog instead. There are other meetings tomorrow night, but I'm going to call the 24-hour number first and make sure that the meeting is functioning.

I am grateful for many things today.
1. The immigration official who let me in, even though I had goofed and left some of my paperwork on my desk at home.
2. For client personnel who are highly motiviated to have a good SAP implementation.
3. For a delightful host city that is also a tourist destination.
4. For friends back home who phone and email me, and return my calls. The connection to home means more than I can express in words.
5. That I am comfortable with where I am in my journey called sobriety, and feel no need to hide my difficulties or exaggerate my successes.
6. For the quiet hotel room with a comfortable bed, into which I am about to crawl. :-)

PS: I got a new cell phone and cell phone plan on Saturday. My cell phone number works up here, just like it does in the States.

Rain, Rain, Go Away.....

2006-02-17T06:50:00.000-06:00

Rain, Rain, Go Away
I've still got sprinkler pipe to lay!

It's good to be home, and good to have a chance to relax. This last week was a bit difficult. I had a lot of catching up to do on my Silicon Valley project, and not everything got done that I would have liked to have accomplished.

The thought of drinking also briefly flashed through my mind on Wednesday. I had worked late, and went to my favorite seafood place near work for a late supper. It's called the Fish Market, and for those of you familiar with Silicon Valley, it's near the intersection of El Camino and the Lawrence Expressway. It's a popular place and I had to wait about 10 minutes to be seated. They have an "Oyster Bar" near the front where people can eat oysters, much like people eat Sushi at a Sushi Bar. I saw one couple with large glasses of white wine who appeared to be enjoying themselves. For just a moment I thought about how good a glass of wine would taste, and actually salivated. Then I reminded myself that I get to have the life I have today because I stay clean and sober. I also reminded myself of something that my first sponsor taught me. That thing is that I have to be aware that I like to have rewards when I'm winding up a project or accomplishment of some sort, and that this can lead to the tempatation to use.

Now, for those of you who had a little fun at my new massage therapist's expense....

The part of me that was left more erect is my posture. I have scoliosis, which is another name for "curvature of the spine." The imbalance in my spine leads to a lot of muscle tension in my back which tends to make me a bit stooped. Tom released this tension in my SPINE and I was left standing more erect, with my shoulders less stooped. In other words, my posture improved.

For those in the Lambda or Houston community, I highly recommend Tom. He is certified with about five year's experience and a very talented, caring massage therapist. He even has a customm built massage table that is very comfortable and very stable - no wobbling like some of the portable variety. If you don't know him, contact me by email and I'll pass his phone number along.

My Last Full Day in San Jose

2006-02-15T09:39:00.000-06:00

Does that sound like the title of an old song, or what?

The last several days have been busy and full, in mostly good ways. My friend Betty came over from San Antonio and we went to the Houston Grand Opera on Saturday night. We saw "Manon Lescaut." I was able to hear most of it despite the ear problem, although it did sound a bit muffled. It was beautifully sung and the staging was excellent. However, I found myself completely unable to symphathize with any of the characters. They simply were not nice people! The composer also had visualized Louisiania, to which Manon was exiled, as a barren desert wasteland. Oh well, when have the French ever gotten anything about us right? :-)

Last night was another treat. I still have two friends from the second grade, and one of them met me for dinner last night. I hadn't seen her since our 30th HS reunion, so it was a nice treat. Her Father and my Father are also close friends, so it really is a tie that goes back a long way. We've known each other since 1960, and now I have friends who weren't even alive in 1960.

This morning I am grateful for too many things to list. But here are a few of them.
1. Friends, both old and more recent.
2. The Internet, which makes it easier to stay in touch with friends.
3. For an interesting occupation which is also somewhat lucrative.
4. For being able to be a sounding board for a buddy who is going through a difficult time.
5. For the fact that the deep tissue massage given to me by Tom Zeppelin has left me standing more erect.

That's it for now. I'll be home on Thursday.

I'm Back......

2006-02-11T00:32:00.000-06:00

I really didn't realize how long it had been since I had posted here, until two of my buddies from Lambda commented on it this week.

I've been in a place of discomfort, both mentally and physically. My normal reaction to this sort of thing is to isolate. One of the problems with this is that with my work schedule, people are accustomed to me not being around much. So, when I am home from work and isolating, everybody who knows me may be clueless to the fact that I'm doing it.

A week ago today my flight home wasn't too pleasant. My ears took awhile to equalize when the plane went up, and they didn't fully equalize during landing - and still haven't. Add to that a case of traveler's diarrhea, and the result is one unhappy guy. A phone call to the doctor on Monday got some pills that cleared up the second problem pretty quickly, but the first remained the same and then got worse yesterday. I think the three worst aspects of the ear problem is the non-stop whistling in my left year, not being able to hear conversations that are going on around me, and the sensation that my temples are about to implode like two rupture disks on a large storage tank.

I was seen at the doctor's office this morning and the good news is that I don't have an infection. He described the problem as "eustachian tube dysfunction." What I hadn't fully appreciated is that allergy season had gotten fully underway in Silicon Valley the week before. The remaining almond and cherry trees had come until full bloom. They are gorgeous but the pollen caused my allergies to act up, and add to that the problem of landing and taking off, and I really got it. The solution is threefold. The first was a steroid shot which is already helping. The second is lots of nasal saline. The third is patience.

So, I'm alive and doing OK and will soon be doing better. Don't write me off just yet.

There were two especially bright spots in my day today.

The first was seeing my friend Martin at the noon meeting, and having lunch with him afterwards. We had just talked an hour earlier and he had said that he wouldn't be able to make it to that meeting. I sort of suspect that he juggled his schedule a bit when he learned that I was fully booked on Sunday afternoon.

The second was seeing Wally for the first time since he went to live with Karen. I had put this off, partially to allow Wally time to adjust to his new home and partially because I was afraid of my own reaction to seeing him. I've really missed him, especially when I've been home alone. He was so cute when I arrived at the house. He barked through the storm door when he saw somebody coming up the walk - always the good watch dog. Then a look of recognition crossed his face and he got excited when he saw me.

But this time the reaction was different. He was happy to see me, and wanted to be petted and snuggled. But it was a serene happiness on his part, like seeing an old friend, and not some of the anxious homecomings that I got when returning from a trip. Wally and I are both fortunate that Karen took him in. He is loved and well cared for and happy, and I am welcome to come see him whenever I want. I suspect that he will have a long and happy life with Karen.

Today I am grateful for:
** That my recovery has taught me to be grateful.
** For my friend Martin. The reasons are too numerous to list.
** For Mike, for having engineered Wally's adoption.
** For Karen, for having given Wally a loving home.
** For good medical care.
** For the willingness to follow my doctor's counsel and for good medical insurance.
** For Betty, my friend of 31 years, who is coming for the opera this weekend.
** For everything good that Houston has to offer.
** All of the people who shook my hand and gave me hugs at the noon meeting today.

The Outcome

2006-01-22T22:14:00.000-06:00

I hadn't felt much like writing since my last post about giving up Wally.

However, turning it over had a surprising outcome. I did put the word out to a few people who I knew were very fond of Wally. A friend in the program has an Aunt who was looking for a new dog. He and I exchanged a couple of emails on the subject, and then we spoke on the phone to set a time. Today at 3:00 PM they appeared right on schedule to introduce his Aunt to Wally. At 4:00 PM Wally was in their car, on his way to his new home for a one-week trial basis.

I then left for the Galleria to shop for a new pair of shoes. No, this was not impulsive retail therapy. I threw one pair of dress shoes away last week because they had simply worn out after several years, and another pair is not far behind. I simply had not gotten around to buying a new pair. The retail therapy that I did not engage in included some nice leather jackets in Nordstrums, and then having the good sense to leave the mall when I found myself gazing at the Rolex watches in a jewelry shop window. I don't even like Rolex watches - too flashy for my taste.

I then had dinner with my best friend, who is also a dog lover, and then went on to the 7:00 PM meeting at Lambda. Now I am home to a house that seems strangely quiet and as though a joyful energy has gone out of it. Bottom line is that I miss my dog.

However, I am feeling gratitude along with the sadness. I'm grateful that I didn't have to post flyers and ads and deal with strangers over the phone. I'm grateful that Wally is trying out a new home with somebody who will give him the love and care he needs, and can afford to have him properly groomed and cared for by a vet on schedule. And even though I had not met this lady before, I had heard a lot of good things about her through my friend. So in a sense, she is new to me but not a stranger.

I also have been reminding myself that Wally would have had to go to the pound had I not taken him in. The local animal shelters are poorly run and have a kill rate that exceeds 80%. So, with the help of a housemate who stayed for a few months, a very happy and loving dog named Wally was able to live. Maybe that was the work that God gave me to do. However, only God knows this for sure. I can only speculate, and hope that I have done the right things.

I am also grateful for all of the people in this blogspace and in other places who have been loving and supportive through all of this. The kind words and hugs have meant a great deal to me.

Letting Go of the Outcome

2006-01-17T23:30:00.000-06:00

This is my last night in Vicoria until the 20th of next month. I think I'm going to enjoy the work and the city. The maintenance manager is quite excited to be using the software and seems pleased with our last two days of planning meetings.

I also attended a meeting tonight at a club within walking distance of the hotel. It was a good night for me to attend a meeting.

Today I got some news that was not entirely unexpected. My housemate will be moving out by the end of February. I was expecting to get this news sometime in the next month or two. He had made the decision last year to return to the Mormon Church, and had been less and less involved at Lambda. My experience with Mormons is that they do the best living amongst other Mormons's - in the world, but not of the world, so to speak. I'm paraphrasing Luke here, but of course he was not talking about Mormons because they did not exist back then. :-)

This creates a dilemma of what to do with my dog Wally. Wally was a recent addition to my life. He came at a time when I really didn't want to get a dog, because I was getting ready to go back on the road full time. Wally had followed the next door neighbors home. He was starving, delirous from thirst, and frightened. They took him in, but their female dachshund hated him, so he could not stay. I took him partially because I couldn't bear to see him go to the pound, and partially because he started to weasel his way into my heart from the very beginning. I took on a housemate largely because I needed a dog sitter when I was away.

Well, there aren't any other housemate candidates on the horizon, and I'm not about to advertise at Lambda. So, I'm going to have to make another attempt to find Wally a permanent home. This may be easier, because so many people really adored him at the New Year's Party. I'm going to have to do the next right thing and put the word out that he is available and post some flyers in places like Lambda and Church - and then turn it over. I feel sad about this, but I also know that I can't have it all my way. Hopefully a nice home will be found that either has another dog for him to play with or children or adults who are home much of the time. And perhaps another soution will appear that I haven't even imagined. I know that right now I have to do the next right thing(s), let go of the outcome and pray for acceptance, and be willing to turn the whole thing over - including my sadness about this change in my life.

Well, thats it for tonight.

Hello from British Columbia

2006-01-15T22:06:00.001-06:00

This was a short weekend for me. I tried to stuff entirely too much into it, especially since I got home Friday night and caught a 9:45 am flight out this morning.

I tried to finish the sprinkling system in my front yard. It didn't go so well.
The trenching machine didn't work properly. I had always used a "Ditch Witch" in the past. This was something different. It uses a spinning wheel and is NOT self-propelled. It also turns out that the gearbox requires an hourly adjustment. The people at Home Depot didn't tell me this until I had called them four times on Saturday. The reason? They had never read the manual and didn't know it themselves. I won't rent from them again.

Also my helper Robin pulled a hamstring while digging. Thankfully, that was the worse injury. I nearly fell out of the truck as we were loading the macine to take it back to Home Depot. This model has only one wheel in the front and isn't very stable. It tipped in the bed of the truck and bumped me. I nearly went out of the bed of the truck backwards. I probably would have landed on my head if I hadn't caught myself. The look on poor Robin's face as I started to tumble. It was all happening quickly, and there was not a thing he could possibly do.

It was a long trip up. The flight from Houston to Seattle was five hours, and I didn't get an upgrade. Then there was a three hour layover in Seattle. Now, as far as places to have a layover, Seattle is very nice. There are some good restaurants and shops in the terminal, in a new addition. Also, there was a spot where chair massages are offered. I was feeling sore, between wrestling with that poorly desinged machine and nearly falling out of the truck. Brady, the massuer who worked on me, really knows his craft. I felt the tension and the pain just melting out of my body. Then, it was finally time to go. The flight from Seattle to Victoria is less than an hour, on a turbo-prop. The view was quite nice from the plane. Customs and immigration was a breeze, as was the drive into the City.

My boss and I are staying at the Hotel Grand Pacific. It is right on the harbor, about a block from the British Columbia Parliament building. I had a wonderful dinner of seared prawns and scallops. We have another business dinner tomorrow. Then he flies home Tuesday afternoon. I do believe that I will look for a meeting on Tuesday night. Then I fly to San Jose on Wednesday and home on Friday.

Anybody want to help with a sprinkling system on Saturday? I promise to rent a better machine this time! :-)

My Sprint plan doesn't include Canada, so the best way to reeach me will be by email.

More about my short trip to this beautiful place later.

Today I am grateful for:

*A good CMA meeting on Saturday night with a great topic.
*For flight attendants who seem to make everything work well in the air, despite the antics of some of the other passengers.
*That Robin wants to keep coming back to help me with my projects.
*That I was able to successful set a boundary with my well-meaning but slightly intoxicated next door neighbor when he came over to try to supervise as opposed to actually help.
*For my friends Martin S, David D and Martin D. I hope you had a great weekend at Land of My Grandfathers. You were in my thoughts.
*For a nice hotel room with a comfortable bed. I will be in it within minutes of finishing this.
*For a loving higher power who brings good things to my life, when I am willing to have faith enough not to try to control outcomes.

Coming Home Tomorrow

2006-01-12T19:55:00.000-06:00

It's hard to believe that Thursday evening is here. I have been very busy, and the time has slipped right on by.

This week I began teaching classes to my client's employees. I also developed the training materials. So far it has gone well. Nobody has thrown erasers at me or put a tack in my chair, and that is a good thing.

I also have been loading master data into the production copy of SAP that we will use at go-live. We start carrying out some transactions next week.

I really have been in a state of gratitude all week, since my trip to Clovis. I am very grateful for this client, which is the nicest one I've had since I worked up in Alberta in 1998. Of course, my drinking accelerated in 1999 when I went to Sakhalin Island, Russia, for six months. Then, when I got home, the drug use started to take off. Funny that these two events came simulataneously with a series of clients who could be difficult to get along with.......

So, today the things I am grateful for include:

The program and all of the things that I have learned in it.
My sponsors and all that they have taught me about living life on life's terms.
My sister and her family.
Non-stop flights between San Jose and Houston.
A comfortable hotel that is just a two minute drive from my client.
Getting paid for work that I also enjoy doing.
My friends, old and new - you are too numerous to mention.
For feeling grateful.
For feeling connected with my Higher Power as I write this.

Back from Clovis and All is Well

2006-01-08T21:03:00.000-06:00

Well, all of my anxiety was for naught and a lot of wasted emotional energy. I had a very nice weekend with my sister and brother-in-law and their two children. Why I was afraid it would be different certainly had nothing to do with them. After all, my sister had been making the effort for several years to visit me in the Bay Area when I was on the west coast on business. She had been sending pictures of the kids all along, and my brother-in-law had always been nice on the phone. They are two nice people who have raised two nice children who I think have gotten a very good start in life. Charlie is a freshman in college, and Mary will start college next year.

They know that I am in AA but didn't ask any questions, so I didn't offer any details.

I also learned a lot more about how my parents had treated my sisters after they disowned me. I now suspect that I have been spared a lot of emotional grief. I was grieving all these years for the parents that I wish that I had, but in reality, never existed. My sisters have endured a lot of emotional abuse from my parents, which continues to this day. And they are heterosexual, non-alcoholic non-addicts! Can you imagine what this faggot alcoholic addict might have had to endure?

My sister is an excellent cook. I left with two new recipes and the name of a cook book that I want to get. The topic of the cook book is "volumetric cooking," which contains recipes that are very healthy and help one feel full while consuming few calories. They are also easy to fix. I may be experimenting on some of you with these new recipes in the near future. They are also things that I could easily fix here at the Residence Inn, and then have two nights of left overs. That way I could cut my restaurant meals down to one a day.

Not much else to report right now except that I am relaxed and happy and mulling over some of the things that I learned about my family this weekend. More on all of thyat later.

Hello from Clovis, California

2006-01-07T14:51:00.000-06:00

Well, I made it to the Fresno/Clovis area last night without problems. It is my first trip back since I graduated from Engineering School at Cal State Fresno in 1983. My sister got her nursing degree here, got married to a doctor, and has been here ever since.

I lived in Clovis, CA for a time while in Engineering School, and then was stationed in Clovis, NM at Cannon AFB. I thought it sort of special that I wound up living in a city with the same time but in two different states. But then, thinking I was special has gotten me into trouble more than once in my life.

Well, all the nervousness and fear over visiting my sister and her family was a complete waste of emotional energy. My sister and I are getting along beautifully, and her children and husband are great. They have really done a good job of raising two nice, well-adjusted kids. My nephew leaves for Santa Barbara this afternoon. He and some of his friends wanted to get together tonight and have some fun befor they start the new semester on Monday. My niece is a senior in HS and is on the track team and a real knockout to look at. Both are nice kids.

So, all is well. I am simply glad to be here and am enjoying the day.

More news later.

An Anxious Day

2006-01-06T01:08:00.000-06:00

Well, it's Thursday night. I worked today, but not very well. I did manage to get all of the training that I need to for my client's personnel scheduled and posted, and some other pre go-live activities done. However, that was not the biggest thing on my mind.

Tomorrow I travel to Fresno to visit my sister and her family. I last saw my sister about 4 years ago. I last saw my brother-in-law 22 years ago, a few months before their wedding, although we do talk on the phone from time to time. I have never met my 16 year old niece and 18 year old nephew.

I have not seen my other sister since 1981 nor spoken with her. I haven't seen my parents since Christmas of 1976. I came out to them in 1977, when Anita Bryant was running around loose and they disowned me. They subsequently prevented me from attending either sister's wedding or my grandmother's funeral. To say that I have some resentments about this would be the understatement of the year. To say that I have some real fears around abandonment and feeling unloved would be right on target.

I've been trying not to think about all of this very much during the past few days. At first I was excited about the invitation to visit Fresno and the fact that my niece and nephew are looking forward to meeting me. But now I am very much in fear. I spoke to one friend in the program this afternoon, and his advice was just to be myself.

I guess I'm just sort of rattling on at this point. I do know that I don't want to drink and I don't want to use. But I sure would like to change the way I feel. Yet acting out won't solve the problem, and it could make things worse. I guess this is just one of those times that I have to pray and then walk through the fear. After all, they want me there or I would not have been invited. But the nagging feelings of unworthiness persist, and it is painful.

I'm sure I'll have a great time when I get there. I'm just nervous now.

Being able to write about it helps. Knowing that people who have known me for awhile and who care will read this helps.

Now, time for prayers and bed. God bless you all.

Wednesday Morning

2006-01-04T09:42:00.000-06:00

Hello again from Silicon Valley.

This place is remarkable in some ways, and backwards in others. I can drive around and see corporate names on buildings such as McAfee, Yahoo, Guidant, etc. And then, my hotel has such awful internet service that some nights I can't connect and do email and blog. Also, the post offices don't have those new machines that allow the customer to weigh and purchase correct postage with a credit card at any hour of the day. And parts of the airport look the same as they did in 1960. I had expected everything to be modern and up to date but it hasn't happened.

Things are coming together on my project. It isn't necessarily because I am making them come together, but because I have had the patience to allow things to happen in their own time. Then, I simply take advantage of the openings in other people's schedules to accomplish my own objectives. It is so much easier than the way I used to work before I got into the program. Then, it was push, push, push, and nobdy, me included, was very happy during the process.

Well, it's time to get some work done.

Do You Know the Way to San Jose?

2006-01-03T00:02:00.000-06:00

I do, but I should have my head checked for booking a trip on the 2nd of January and then forgetting that I needed to allow extra time at the airport on that day.

The offsite parking garage was pretty empty and not much activity going on. Terminal C was another story, with lots of infrequent travelers with tons of luggage and kids trying to figure out what they should do. Thank goodness for frequent flyer status. I was able to check in and get my boarding pass in about 10 minutes, and then get in the One Pass Elite security line which was just about deserted, since most business travelers had the good sense to stay home that morning. A lot of people didn't have much serenity, and I thought I was going to witness a fist fight at one point. Thankfully this did not happen.

The trip out was otherwise uneventful and peaceful. I wound up sitting next to two unaccompanied children who were very well mannered and slept much of the way. Something also happened at the Hertz lot that has never happened before. They were bringing the cars to a covered area for their frequent renters. Since I'm still sniffling and snorting, I was very grateful for this extra service.

We now have 24 days until go-live at this site, and a lot to do. It has been a nice client so far and I have really enjoyed working for them.

Well, it felt good to sit down and write this brief "note home" tonight. Thank you everybody for all the kind words about the party. I really enjoyed putting it on, and an extra big thanks to those who helped with the clean-up. This is the third year that I have had that party, and I probably will continue to have it in the years to come.

Take care.

The Party's Over

2006-01-01T21:43:00.000-06:00

Well, it was quite a busy day. I'm tired, but it is a good tired.

Last night I attended Birthday Night at Lambda (my AA Club), and then led a 9:30 PM CMA meeting. Lambda hosted a New Year's Eve party, where I made an appearance. There were several people there that I had not seen in a long time, and it was good to catch up with them. Then, on home to bed before midnight; safe, sound, and clean and sober.

This morning I was up bright and early to finish cooking for my party. I'm normally pretty organized, but today the timing was oddly on target. I literally was taking the last item out of the oven just as the first guests rang the bell. I'm not sure how many people were here over the course of the afternoon, but I would estimate 50-60. I think it was a nice party, but then I had the most important ingredient to draw from - a pool of very nice people to invite as guests.

We had a first step meeting tonight at Lambda. When I shared, I just could not help but contrasting what New Year's was like before the program and what is was like today. I truly can't recall New Year's three years ago, except that I'm certain that I was neither clean nor sober. Today, by keeping my powerlessness over drugs and alcohol and a great many other things firmly in the forefront of my conciousness, life is much different. Now I have the freedom to go to bed before midnight on New Year's Eve because I want to. I also get to wake up early on New Year's Day without the alarm clock and have the presence of mind to prepare a spread for a large number of people, and have fun doing it. Admitting and accepting powerlessness truly was to gain a new freedom in my life, and for that I am quite grateful.

Now it is time to close and pack for a 12 day trip. Normally I come home on the weekends. However, this coming weekend will be different. I'm going to go visit my sister and brother-in-law, and meet my 16 year old niece and 18 year old nephew for the first time. More about that later.

I hope everybody has a joyous, prosperous, and sober New Year.

The Year Winds Down

2005-12-31T16:48:00.000-06:00

What a busy day. It's nice to have a few minutes to sit down and collect my thoughts.

I have been getting ready for my annual Sober New Year's Day Party. I have absolutely no clue how many people are coming, despite the RSVP request at the bottom of the invitation. It seems that nobody except people over 55, active and retired military officers, members of the diplomatic corps, and dyed-in-the-wool Episcopalians honors this little rule of etiquitte. Twenty-five people have RSVP'd either to me or my housemate, so we are planning for 75 and hoping for the best. I hope that many show up, or we are going to have a LOT of leftovers. I've been cooking off and on all afternoon, and have more to do in the morning.

It has also been a stressful time in other ways. I've been making the transition to a new sponsor, and he had major surgery last week and isn't moving around much yet. Also my closest sobriety buddy had a serious family emergency that has kept him away, so we really haven't talked much. I've been working at reaching out to others in the program in a bigger way, which is something that I need to do anyway.

Tonight I'm going to attend Birthday Night at Lambda, and then lead the 9:30 CMA meeting. Leading meetings is great, because it is good service work AND because the leader gets to pick the topic. My friend Robin and I were talking yesterday about how frustrating it can be when we pray/meditate but cannot feel God's presence, and what an empty lonely feeling that can be. Those are the times, including the last several days, when I have to rely on faith. This is because I know God is there, even when I am in some way disconnected and cannot feel God's presence. The topic is going to be something along the line of: "How do you reconnect to your Higher Power when you cannot feel it's presence, and feel as though you are praying to the walls?"

Well, my dog Wally is reminding me that it is walk time, so I had better go. I hope you all have a safe, joyful and prosperous New Year.

A Day's Work Almost Done

2005-12-30T18:28:00.000-06:00

I can't believe that it is the 30th of December and that I spent the day outdoors working in shorts and a t-shirt.

I bought a 1962-vintage ranch house almost three years ago. I've been slowly remodeling, inside and out. Today work began in earnest on an inground sprinkling system. I'm also coping with the after-effects of a bronchial infection and ashtma, which means I'm not up to doing anything strenous. Fortunately, one of my litter mates from IOP is on semester break from his new life as a college student and needed to earn some extra money. So, he dug in the side-yard while I engineered, fabricated, and assembled new piping. An area big enough for a grave was excavated a bit over a foot deep. Old piping was replaced and re-routed and a manifold of three electric valves is now in place. My friend did a great job and is looking forward to the next phase. I'm out of town the weekend after this, so work will recommence the second Saturday, weather permitting. It feels good to be moving forward with this project. It's also nice to work with my hands for a change. I'll definately sleep well tonight. It's also good for me as far as remaining clean and sober, because I'm too weary to go out!

I'm off in a few minutes to do some shopping and then attend a meeting at Lambda Center. Lambda has a link on my sidebar, for any out of town readers who might want to learn more about a great AA club.

My First Post

2005-12-29T20:27:00.000-06:00

Today my friend SoberSunday, who blogs here, told me about this site. I looked it over and decided that I wanted to give this a try for several reasons. One is that I discovered that several other friends from my AA club post here, and this would be a good way to stay in touch with them when I'm away from home. Another is that it is often easier for me to express my thoughts and feelings on paper than it is to speak them aloud. Sometimes I just don't know what to say, and then when I try to say it people often interrupt which frustrates me. This way I can get it all out, and then they can post comments to their hearts content!

Also, I am a consultant and am away from home nearly every week. I live in Houston but have been working on the west coast. By the time I get off work, eat dinner, and go to a meeting, it is 9 PM or later in California - much to late to call people in Houston or even further east just to chat. This way those who want to can keep up with me and have an idea of how I'm doing.

A little more about me. I've been in recovery for almost two years for alchohol and drug addictions. It hasn't been an easy journey and I have struggled with relapse. However, I believe that I have come a long way in this time, but I still have a long way to go. I've just started working with a new sponsor in the last few weeks and am hopeful about the future.

I'll ask a friend to take a new photo of me and get it posted soon.