12StepSteve's Journey

Yes, the storm quieted today, but the waters are still sort of choppy with some pretty good whitecaps.

The harbor looks a bit rough, too. :-)

There more more strange dreams last night. I awoke the first time screaming - which is quite an accomplishment with a CPAP machine running. I literally had dreamed that someone or something was in the room trying to kill me. Fortunately the police didn't come, so nobody must have heard me.

Then there were more strange things - people and places from different times of my life, woven into a single place and time like a tapestry. Some of it was good, some was frightening. When I awoke, I realized what this is about - my upcoming 5th Step.

My 5th Step is scheduled for Sunday, March 19th, when I am in Houston. This will be my second time to do it. I really had a difficult time with this 4th Step. The number of people on it was considerably shorter - I realize that this is because I already had let go of a lot more junk. Another thing that was different is that I put myself on it in a big way. The other people who were still on it are people who are now or who have been important in my life.

I could never write for more than 10-15 minutes at a time on this 4th step, without an overwhelming feeling of sadness coming over me. I would work as long as I could, and then put it away. Weeks went by when I simply could not bring myself to do it at all. Finally, I was down to just a few people with very short lists of resentments. I finished it on the airplane home last Thursday, and then scheduled the 5th Step with my sponsor. My heart feels heavy now, even just writing about it. What I have learned in the program that this feeling of sadness means that I need to talk about it, to take some of the power out of my fear of doing the 5th Step Again.

I got no sense of relief whatsoever when I did my first 5th Step. If anything, it left me feeling dirty, inferior, worthless, and not worthy of anybody's love, much less a Higher Power's. It was nothing at all like the rosy scenario in the big book, with a fire crackling in the fire place and a chorus of angels singing on the roof top. If anything, the committee just got busy chattering and chattering and chattering. A week later I relapsed, and very painfully. My sponsor and I really never got back to doing stepwork in a consistent or meaningful way, and I more or less ran on automatic for the next year.

So now the time for another 5th Step is approaching, and my disease, which is cunning, baffling, and powerful is doing its best to take me down. How cunning it is, too. First I had a period of two very delightful weeks - and then suddenly my mood shifted over something trivial and I've not been quite right since. Thankfully the program has taught me to be alert for such things, and I've also learned to talk about it when it happens and to ask for help. What a miraculous thing that is.

Tonight I am grateful for:
** That the meeting that had been recommended by others was a good meeting, like they said it would be.
** That I am now starting to recognize faces and know people when I go to meetings, and that they know me, too.
** For a recommendation for a Saturday night meeting. This will bring the list meetings that I attend in Victoria to 5.
** That I will go to bed tonight clean, and with God's help I'll do it again tomorrow.