12StepSteve's Journey

Sorry for the long time since my last post. Life has been busy with work and personal issues, and I've been more in the mood to isolate than anything else.Go-live on my Victoria project took place on May 1st. Things are going well and we are continuing to bring the users further into the system. I'm doing a lot of one-on-one coaching of the users, adding data, and working on documentation. My time here ends on June 2.

I had mentioned a nuclear stress test in an earlier post. This took place, and produced an abnormal result. I had a cardiac catheterization on April 28, which revealed that I have no blockages, just some peculiararities on my EKG. I was grateful to learn this, and now I am also grateful because the soreness has finally passed. The anticipation was worse than the reality, although I did look the other way after watching the nurse unwrap the catheter - it's a long way from the groin to the heart!

I had thought that this would be the most difficult part of the weekend, but it was actually just the beginning of a chain of emotionally difficult events.That following Sunday evening I was riding in my sponsors car Sunday night. He had taken me to leave my car at a body shop, and we were involved in an accident on the SW Freeway. A car had stalled in front of us. My sponsor managed to not hit the car in front of us badly - at first. Then we were rear-ended by a small station wagon that went up under us, and then clipped sideways by another car. All in all the incident involved five cars that we know of. Two of them left before the police arrived. Fortunately nobody in the remaining cars was seriously injured, and there were no fatalities. It really shook me up, being so soon after the catheterization, and with a trip coming up the next morning. My sponsor took the entire thing in stride, which is an example of what 23 years of serenity can do for a person. I must say, I felt truly powerless as I sat in that car and realized that we were about to hit the one in front of us.

I woke up the next morning and felt OK, and decided to go ahead on my trip to Victoria. Everything seemed to be going smoothly. The car service that I use to get to the airport was a few minutes early and the airport was not especially busy. The flights went smoothly. I was driving away from the Victoria, BC airport when my phone rang.

The caller was a very close friend of minewho was taken very seriously ill on Monday, and required emergency surgery. I was absolutely horrified that he was so ill and had to have surgery. What I wanted to do was turn the car around, go back to the airport, and go home to be there to support him. This was not an option that I could take without compromising go-live for my client. All I could do was tell him that I loved him, and wish him the best. A couple of other men in the program stepped up to the plate and helped him in ways that I would have, such as caring for his dogs, staying with him in the hospital until the situation stabilized, and providing emotional support. With my sponsor's approval I did help in one way that I was able to. I offered him the use of my home when he got out of the hospital. He lives in a second story condo and I have a house with no stairs and a big fenced back yard. He accepted my offer, and will be here as long as he wants to be. Coming home a few days ago felt very good, and it has been good to share time and space with him. He will be OK in time, but getting completely well will take time. I'm grateful that he is OK and that I have been able to be of service to him in this way. It's really a pleasure to have him and his dogs here.

On a happier note, my friend Michael O, who is a landscaper, installed my new front yard shrubbery beds while I was away. That was quite a treat to come home to. Another friend who is a horticulturist had designed it for me, and I was looking forward to seeing it realized. Michael shopped around and got high quality plants and did a first-rate installation. For those in Houston who know him, I'm pleased to give a good referral. I also have designs for the back yard, and I will probably ask him to do those next year.

My contract inVictoria ends on June 2. I already have two strong possibilities for follow-on contract. One would be based here in Houston for six months, and I have a face-to-face interview for it on Monday morning. The second one would involve spending some time in Chicago, some outside of Toronto, and doing some of the work from my home. I had a phone interview for this a week ago today. The follow-on information that I got was that the hiring manager told the head-hunter not to send any more resumes, and that they would be bringing me on provided he gets final approval for the funding. I don't think that I will be idle for long once I finish up in Victoria. The bigger problem might be finding time to take some vacation!

Today I am Grateful For:
**St. Luke's Episcopal Hospital in Houston.
**That other people in the program were here to do the things for Martin that I could not do.
**My sponsor.
**My client.
**The two potential clients who are considering hiring me.
**For being able to turn over my fears over the past few weeks, with the help of prayer and the guidance of others in the program.
**For six nights in a row in my own bed.
**For the noon meeting today, and going for hamburgers afterwards with people I had not seen in over a month.

It's been awhile since I have posted. Life has been busy, and frankly, I just wasn't in the mood to write.

Also, there would have been nights where my writing would have felt more like whining. Old friends from here may recall that I vowed to give up "Driving the BMW," or bitching, moaning, and whining, for Lent. I've managed to mostly stick to that vow, and I've discovered that it has actually made life easier in some ways. It hss also forced me to try to be more disciplined in how I communicate, so that I express myself and don't isolate - too much.

This last trip home was busy, but not overwhelmingly so like the trip before it. One of the things I had to do was have a nuclear stress test. I got those results today, and initially was quite upset by them. Then, the doctor's office called back again and the nurse and I talked at greater length, and I calmed down a lot. Bottom line is that there was a "moderately abnormal" result, but there is some chance that it might turn out not to be something serious. Apparently this result can mean that my heart just doesn't beat like everybody else's, but it is just something that has to be watched and not necessarily treated. This is the outcome that I am hoping for. It could also mean that I have other problems that do require treatment. This would not be a surprise, because I had been having more trouble being short of breath the last few months. This is something that a cardiologist will have to determine for me.

So, tomorrow I am to make an appointment with a cardiologist, and we will take things from there. I am powerless over what this doctor may or may not find. The only thing I have power over is doing whatever the next right thing might be, and hoping for a good outcome.

That being said, it is hard not to be worried.

The trip home was nice, but as usual, too short. It was good to see friends and attend meetings at Lambda. It was also nice to get out of the muggy Houston weather and back to the cooler marine air of Victoria.

Our search committee at St. Stephens also announced the name of our new rector. She is moving with her husband and children from Nashville, and from her biography, it sounds like she will be a good fit. That will mark the end of a two-year transition at our parish.


** For good medical care and to live in a city where so many healthcare options are available.
** For all the people at Lambda and St. Stephens who gave me hugs this weekend.
** For being able to be of service to a friend who was feeling a bit crazy on Friday.
** That Mankind Project Houston has scheduled a "weekend intensive" I-Group for May.
** That my friends who had a difficult weekend both in Houston and away made it through the weekend clean.
** That T. made it back to pick up a Desire Chip on Sunday. Seeing you was a reminder that it just doesn't get better out there. I am glad you are back and you are in my prayers.
** That the trip home and then back to Victoria was uneventful.
** For good spiritual advice on having my house blessed.

I am a true opera lover, almost to the point of being mushy about it. However, never did I imagine that I would "hear what I need to hear" during a night at the opera right here in Houston, Texas.

For those of you who are not opera buffs or who don't know much about Houston, there are four important opera companies in the United States. New York is by far the most important. Chicago, San Francisco, and Houston are tied for second place, but each has unique qualities that make it important in its own right. Houston is unique in that it has commissioned more new works since World War II than the other three combined. Add to that the fact that Rice University and University of Houston offer doctorates in music and have opera programs of their own, and Houston becomes an important opera town. Many European singers seek us out as a place to make their U.S. debuts.

Currently Houston is running a double world premeir - of a new work commissioned by Houston Grand Opera (HGO), and the debut of the extremely talented and accomplished American soprano Audra MacDonald to the operatic stage. I hope that Ms. MacDonald will return to the operatic stage, because the opera world would be a better place for it. But more on the operas.

This was an unusual night, because Ms. MacDonald performed in two short operas, each about 50 minutes long. And in each, she is the only singer. In other words, a double one-woman show!

The first is about a modern businesswoman who has placed an online ad. She has exchanged some emails with a man she finds interesting and would like to meet. She has sent him her phone number, and is waiting for him to call.

The wrinkle is that she has called in sick in case he calls. She is also drinking at one in the afternoon, and smokes a little dope, too. And she spins and spins and spins in her own head, and before she is done spinning, they are in love, married, moved to the country, and have three children - and then the marriage is on the rocks and breaking up. And guess what - she hasn't even talked to the guy yet.

The author of that libretto must have been spying on me! I have gotten caught up in similar things in my past, gotten the spin cycle in my head going, and created my own little world, without the consent or cooperation of the other man. And then when things didn't work out or never even got started, grieved not for what I had lost, but for what I had hoped would be. And I was isolated with a blinking cursor, instead of actually engaged in life where I might have met somebody with whom I could have formed a friendship and possibly dated. Tonight was not the first night that I shed tears during an operatic performance, but it is the first time that I have done so and realized that I weeping because of some past pains in my own life.

There are a few performances left, so if you live here, I strongly recommend seeing this. The messages in this evening for my recovery were unbelievably powerful.

Tonight I am grateful for:
** An opportunity for a six-month contracting engagement that would take me to Africa. Sadly, I will have to turn this down because of my HIV status. More on that later, but it means a great deal to me that this former client tracked me down and asked.
** My friend Brandon, my companion for this evening. He is also a trained opera singer, and his insights and anecdotes about the opera world made the evening even more special.
** For a wonderful email from my friend Martin.
** That my taxes are finally ready to be handed to the accountant.
** That I will do my second 5th Step in the morning.
** Seeing friends at Lambda after the opera.
** For believing in my heart that my higher power loves me in spite of my defects.

This is a brief posting. Nothing terribly dramatic to report, and today, that is a good thing.

The past few days have been pleasant. The storms from the sky and the storms in my head had ended by Saturday. It's amazing, but writing about my fears regarding my 5th Step seem to have taken a lot of the power away. It wasn't as good as sharing in a meeting, but it came in a close second.

I continue to work out with Harley, and am doing cardio in the mornings the other four days. Harley seems to think that my breathing is already improving, and I think I see some signs of my body starting to firm up a bit. I've noticed that my energy levels have already improved, and I don't get drowsy at my desk so easily. I didn't think that changes would come this rapidly, so it has been a pleasant surprise.

I'm also on a firm schedule of five meetings a week that I like. That seems to be enough. Between evenings in the gym and meetings my evenings stay pretty well occupied, and I don't have much of a chance to get lonely.

Tonight I am grateful for:
** Feelings of calm and serenity.
** Feeling connected with my Higher Power.
** That the project continues to go well.
** For finding five good meetings in less than three weeks.
** That I am starting to know some of the people at these meetings.
** That I am coming home Thursday evening.
** That my 5th Step will be this coming Sunday.
** A lack of drama in my life.

Yes, the storm quieted today, but the waters are still sort of choppy with some pretty good whitecaps.

The harbor looks a bit rough, too. :-)

There more more strange dreams last night. I awoke the first time screaming - which is quite an accomplishment with a CPAP machine running. I literally had dreamed that someone or something was in the room trying to kill me. Fortunately the police didn't come, so nobody must have heard me.

Then there were more strange things - people and places from different times of my life, woven into a single place and time like a tapestry. Some of it was good, some was frightening. When I awoke, I realized what this is about - my upcoming 5th Step.

My 5th Step is scheduled for Sunday, March 19th, when I am in Houston. This will be my second time to do it. I really had a difficult time with this 4th Step. The number of people on it was considerably shorter - I realize that this is because I already had let go of a lot more junk. Another thing that was different is that I put myself on it in a big way. The other people who were still on it are people who are now or who have been important in my life.

I could never write for more than 10-15 minutes at a time on this 4th step, without an overwhelming feeling of sadness coming over me. I would work as long as I could, and then put it away. Weeks went by when I simply could not bring myself to do it at all. Finally, I was down to just a few people with very short lists of resentments. I finished it on the airplane home last Thursday, and then scheduled the 5th Step with my sponsor. My heart feels heavy now, even just writing about it. What I have learned in the program that this feeling of sadness means that I need to talk about it, to take some of the power out of my fear of doing the 5th Step Again.

I got no sense of relief whatsoever when I did my first 5th Step. If anything, it left me feeling dirty, inferior, worthless, and not worthy of anybody's love, much less a Higher Power's. It was nothing at all like the rosy scenario in the big book, with a fire crackling in the fire place and a chorus of angels singing on the roof top. If anything, the committee just got busy chattering and chattering and chattering. A week later I relapsed, and very painfully. My sponsor and I really never got back to doing stepwork in a consistent or meaningful way, and I more or less ran on automatic for the next year.

So now the time for another 5th Step is approaching, and my disease, which is cunning, baffling, and powerful is doing its best to take me down. How cunning it is, too. First I had a period of two very delightful weeks - and then suddenly my mood shifted over something trivial and I've not been quite right since. Thankfully the program has taught me to be alert for such things, and I've also learned to talk about it when it happens and to ask for help. What a miraculous thing that is.

Tonight I am grateful for:
** That the meeting that had been recommended by others was a good meeting, like they said it would be.
** That I am now starting to recognize faces and know people when I go to meetings, and that they know me, too.
** For a recommendation for a Saturday night meeting. This will bring the list meetings that I attend in Victoria to 5.
** That I will go to bed tonight clean, and with God's help I'll do it again tomorrow.

Sometimes it puzzles me how things can be going so well - and then for no apparent reason, they suddenly aren't.

I had a restless night last night. There were strange dreams that I don't entirely remember, but I don't think they were using dreams. I finally gave up and got up a little after five and went down to the health club in the hotel basement at six. I did my cardio, showered, dressed, went back down for breakfast, and then came back up to get my coat, computer bag, and car keys, and that is when the day started to feel like it was going to hell.

The car keys were nowhere to be found. It just didn't make sense. I came in from the AA meeting last night, came up to my room, and didn't leave again. I searched the room carefully - twice. I even checked the garbage and my laundry bag, under the beds, and even stripped the bed looking for it. I checked the health club, both elevators, and retraced my steps to the car. Nothing. I could feel my mood going south and I tried to convince myself that it was just a car key and could be replaced - but somehow it didn't help. The committee was chattering like a cage full of demons in my head, and nothing would silence it.

To make a long story short, Hertz found an extra key and a driver delivered it to me at work. When I got back to the hotel, there was the key I had lost in the middle of my neatly made bed. The maid must have found it, or perhaps it was turned in and the front desk sent it up. But there it was. I was relieved, because it is one of those plastic keys with the chip in it, and it was going to cost $250 Canadian to replace it. But I was not pleased at the effect that this event had on my state of mind.

Work just didn't feel right today. My skin didn't seem to fit right. And my brain certainly wasn't working right. I got about a third of what I would normally do accomplished.

Furthermore, all of the meetings tonight were either at the club that I found so depressing, or on parts of the island that I dont know yet. The weather had actually gotten worse, so I didn't want to go explore.

Nobody returned calls from Houston. I used three of the names from the Victoria phone list. I tried to reach my cousin in the SF Bay Area and my friend from the second grade and got voice mail. My ex in SF was out of pocket, but his partner of 18 years and I had a nice but brief chat. He was recovering from some minor surgery and really was kind to take the time to chat for a few minutes.

The L in my HALT was feeling very neglected at this point in time.

Thankfully the idea of drinking or using is very unappealing right now, even though several othe guests in the hotel were having wine with their dinner.

This is one of those days that my first sponsor told me about. Mark D., my first sponsor, told me something after one of my early relapses that really stuck with me. It went something to the effect that I had to find a God who would help me stay sober. In other words, I had to find a faith that worked. (Gee, didn't I see that in the Big Book?)

So, tonight is a good night to try to keep things in perspective. Once in awhile I'm going to have a night when I don't sleep well or have disturbing dreams. There will be days when things happen that leave me feeling like a complete idiot, and some of them may cost a fair amount of money that I would rather have for something else. There will be days when the weather sucks - again. There will be days when i just can't get my brain into gear to to good quality work. And sometimes, all of these things will happen in the same day. It's calle Life on Life's terms.

One of the gifts of the program is that I now know that everybody has bad days, and when they happen to me, it isn't because I'm a bad person. It also may be brought on by events that aren't even about me. I also know that they will pass if I don't do anything to make it worse, like pick up a drink or drug, mistreat other people, engage in illegal or unethical behavior. And thank goodness I gave up "Driving the BMW for Lent." I managed not to Whine, Bitch, or Moan all day. I was honest that I was unhappy and having a difficult time, but I stuck to the facts and asked for help where it was appropriate. And unlike in the past, the people around me were supportive and didn't find excuses to get away from me. I was even able to be of service to others over the course of the day, and was that ever a blessing.

And as for tonight, when it seemed that absolutely nobody was available by phone at a decent hour to call, I remembered Mark D.'s advice. I told God that I was in difficulty and asked for help in getting through the rest of the day. I also thought about all of the things that I have to be grateful for in my relatively privilege life, and reminded myself that the days difficulties were all minor in the grand scheme of things, and that none of them were life threatening.

Today I am grateful for many things too numerous to list. Here are a few of them.
** That I'm not one of the homeless people in this town who will sleep outside tonight in this cold nasty weather.
** For the maintenance manager at my last project in Silicon Valley, to whom I was able to be of service today.
** That I got a notice of an "Elders Meeting" at the Mankind Project Houston's new lodge Sunday after this one. It will be a Warrior event on a day that I will be able to attend. :-) :-)
** For the person who found my rental car key, and anybody else who might have been instrumental in getting it back to me.
** For the people in Victoria who gave me their phone numbers. I have a hunch that they will call back tonight or sometime tomorrow.
** That I will probably get to see some of those people at a meeting tomorrow night.
** That my former housemate Bill seems to be doing well.
** For the rest of you who blog on this site. I don't always comment, but I do enjoy seeing what you right.
** For the fact that I have no desire to drink or drug, despite the difficulties of the day. That would not have been my reaction two years ago.
** For Mark D. for telling me to find a faith that worked - and that this finally seems to have happened.

Hello from Victoria. As some of you know, I've been home to Houston and now I'm back up here again.

It is a very dark and very stormy night. So dark and so stormy that I consider not going to a meeting tonight. I am thankful that the thought was a fleeting one. This meeting is one of the two that was recommended to me last week, and it was well worth the trouble to get there. I will definately be going to it again next Wednesday. Another meeting takes place there this Friday, and I plan to go to it, too.

The topic tonight was the 7th Tradition, and the difficulty that we alcoholic/addicts have for asking for truly meaningful help.

Well, I realized that this was a big topic in my last post. As an addict, I know that I have to ask for God's help on a daily basis, so that I get another 24-hour reprieve. If I keep my Higher Power (who I call God) at the center of my life, things generally go well. And even if they don't, my mind doesn't go too far out of kilter because of it. But let me start taking the credit or start to try to make the rules, then watch out. My mind will start going places it ought not go, and troubles, big or small, will begin to weigh on me. And when that happens the resentments appear, and then it all goes out of control.

Tonight I am grateful to be in a place of gratitude. A few of the things I am grateful for include:
** a great meeting tonight.
** seeing some of the people that I met last week and enjoyed.
** being able to share some experience, strength, and hope with a man who was coming back after a relapse.
** realizing that my words to the man who was coming back were not mine alone, but were inspired by the relationship that I have with my God today.
** for this season of Lent, and the fact that I have so far stuck with my resolve not to "Drive the BMW" until Palm Sunday at the earliest. "Not Driving the BMW" means that I am not allowed to Bitch, Moan or Whine about anything!! :-) I saw this in a Candadian newspaper last week, and realized that it would be a perfect Lenten discipline for me!!
** that the Ash Wednesday words spoken by the priest, as he imposed an ashen cross on my foreheard were, "From dust you came and to dust you shall return." I remember this several times each day, and it helps me to feel humble, centered, and at peace.

Tonight find me in a place of peace and contentment.

The project continues to go well. The client asked me to commit to one extra ten-day hitch in Victoria, which will have me up here until May 25. Harley and I had our first work-out today, and that went well. I go home on Thursday and get to spend four nights in my own bed.

All of these things are good, but my mind and soul are thoroughly rooted in the fact that today is Ash Wednesday.

Ash Wednesday is a very important day to me as a Christian, and also as a person in recovery. It is tightly interwined with the story of how I got to recovery. I no longer remember my first sobriety date, but I will always view Ash Wednesday as the anniversary of my entry to the program. Here is the reason why.

First, we have to play the tape back to July of 2003. My best friend of more than a dozen years had just died of AIDS related heart and lung problems. He had been slowly deteriorating for about five years, and the last seven months of his life were brutal. I was one of a group of people who cared for him in those last months. This responsibility extended to the point that I was one of two people who prepared medication which was directly metered into his heart by a pump. In one sense it was a relief when he died, because his suffering was over. But he had been my closest friend, one to whom I could confide anything and not fear losing his love. There had been nobody in my life before him with whom I could do this, and I have never found anybody that I trust to that depth since. In retrospect, I had made him into a Higher Power.

In the last months of his life he begged me to stop using crystal. He had suggested AA, residential treatment, and expressed concern over and over. I tried to tell myself that I would honor my memory of him by stopping. But this was not something that I was doing for my own good, and so I failed.

I then said that Labor Day would be the last time. Then it was this time, and that time. I would give it up for the New Year of 2004. That failed. Finally, Ash Wednesday 2004 rolled around. I would give it up for good for Lent. I went and got my Ashes and promised God that I would do it. But I did not ask for God's help, and I failed. Three days later I was high again.

But this time I met my match. That Saturday night I found myself in a room at the new hotel downtown by the convention center with three other men. Two were from Dallas, and one was a play buddy who lives in Houston. One of the two provided the drugs. It was one of the two times that the dose was so strong that I could barely walk straight after shooting up. Then he shot up and lost all interest in having sex with me. And then he and his partner got into a fight and threw both of us Houston guys out. These two guys were not people I would have wanted to have sex with, much less be seen with, if I were not using. But they had drugs and so there I was. The degradation of my habit had brought me to that point.

So there I was on the street - high as a kite, miserable, scared - and horny. I no longer remember where the rest of the morning went, or where I went. What I do recall is this - that I knew that I had to find a way to stop. I had been having premonitions of my own early death since Lou had died the previous summer. The premonitions had become stronger, and in my heart I believed that I would not live to that Summer if I didn't stop, and quickly.

Another buddy that I had used with had gone back in the program after being out for several years. He had stopped seeing me, because people in the program have to changes People, Places, and Things. But he had sent me short email notes when he got a 30 day chip, 60, and so forth. At his point in time he was closing in on six months. In some ways his situation and reaction to the drugs had always seemed more desperate than mine, and his urges to use more pronounced. These were my perceptions. But it also suggested to me that if the program worked for him, there was a very good chance it would work for me, too.

So I called this friend on Sunday morning. We had lunch on Sunday afternoon. I told him that I kept using even when I really didn't want to, and he said the words, "Steve, you are a drug addict." Those words went through my heart like a knife. But I knew that it was true, and it was a relief to hear these words and to admit to myself that it was true.

That Tuesday he took me to my first meeting at Lambda. Later that week I picked up my first desire chip, and I've been around ever since.

The road has not been a linear one for me. That first desire chip was not my only one. I relapsed twice at two weeks, and then got thirty days before relapsing again. Then I got 90 days. Then I made it to five months and then to nine months. Right now I've got seven. I expect to go to bed clean and sober tonight, and with God's help I'll do it again tomorrow.

My life is much different now than it was two years ago. I no longer have premonitions of impending death. My relationships with people have improved, and my consulting career has taken off like a rocket. I wake up in the morning, instead of staying up all night. And I actually have not touched alcohol since my first relapse - it was sex and drugs that took me out the other times.

I have to remind myself frequently that it is progress not perfection. If I work the steps, keep doing the next right thing in all areas of my life, and cut the rest of the world some slack, I might just make it to a year this time. But, tonight I am grateful for many things. Some of them are:

1. That all of the relapses were very brief, and that I caused nobody any physical harm.
2. That I never ran afoul of the law during my using.
3. For all of the people who gave me encouragement and love, on the days that I wasn't able to love myself. Those days are still more frequent than many of you might imagine.
4. For the fact that I have been able to be of service to others in the program, especially newcomers.
5. For a moving sermon at the Ash Wednesday Service this evening at Christ Church Cathedral, Victoria.
6. For my new trainer here in Victoria. Harley has already said one thing that I believe will stick with me forever. It is, "honor your body." He said that in reference to exercise, nutrition, stretching, rest, etc. But I realize that honoring this body, which is a gift from God, must also be part of my recovery. I must take care of it, so that I will be able to do whatever work God gives me to do.

That's it for now. Take care.